Random feelings

So I know I need to post. I actually don't even know where to begin. Do I start with how I am really feeling and maybe to some people sound way negative and sad. and of course I just sat down to do this and Logan wakes up. I also could start with telling everyone how the kids are doing and what we are up to and put this energy out there that I am doing amazing and that I dint need any help (which by the way I am really good at doing)
I am thinking of starting another blog one just for the kids and updates on all the Joy that they bring to me and then keep another one where I can feel free to write how I feel and what I am going through from my medical standpoint and also Logans.  But I am so afraid of the little amount of  people that do read this and old friends will not follow it.  I know I am so crazy and sooo insecure. 
I have this survey thing I have to fill out for something all about me and I sat  down to fill it in last night and thought OH MY GOSH I do not know me I don't know what I like anymore and I still am trying to fill it out and am having a hard time with it. as Snow whites says it best..."that's sad".
I don't know why I have such a hard time being me and so afraid what people will think or say.
I was just sitting here today(well really I am in the middle of painting the bath room) and thinking How  much pain my body is in. and then Remembering that just 3 months ago "I" had a Heart attack and how quickly we all forget about that.  I often feel like I hope I don't regret doing to much and will I really see the affects of this later in life.  on the other hand I have this tuff stubborn I need to just keep going cant ask for help have to be strong. I don't even know how I would ask because I just don't know.  I have wonder Women as a mom she does all and never stops going I sometimes fell like I can't talk to her because she just does not understand me having pain and I need to just keep going. I think that is why I have a hard time with how to feel.

The most frustrating thing about this whole thing is that each doctor says something different and there really does not seem to have any closer.  I feel Like I always have one thing after another so I am so tired of telling people whats going on.  Hopefully next week when I go in to the Heart Doctor we might be able to have more answer for me. 

this is so random but its whats on my mind.
The kids are doing awesome both getting SOO big I love then both so much.
I will post pictures soon of what we are up to.